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Surviving Miscarriage

Surviving Miscarriage

On paper, the last year has been golden. My husband and I bought our first house, I quit my job to blog full time, and we welcomed Boots into our lives. On paper, it was rainbows and sunshine. In reality I’ve been living a different life. Let me explain. Just a warning that this post is going to be longer than usual and gets a bit graphic. I’m not writing it for sympathy or to be looked at as a victim. I’m writing it because the few and far between posts like this helped me get through the last year.

Last summer, Anel and I decided to start “trying” to get pregnant. We were young (I was 29 at the time), healthy, drank green juice, and worked out so I figured we had nothing to worry about. And I was right! In two months (last August) I got pregnant. It was so easy and seemed too good to be true… It was. Being the type A woman that I am, the day after we found out, I called a realtor and started looking at houses. I knew that I wanted to move into a real house before we had the baby so thought I’d get on it before the pregnancy got further along. We looked at a few houses and put an offer on our current one a few weeks later.

We were living high, smiling at all times with so much joy in our hearts. That same weekend we hit the road for my friend’s wedding in Provincetown. My best friend Katie had gotten pregnant the same week  and we were both going to the wedding so we had a lot to talk about! It was one of the best weekends of my life. Being surrounded by my best friends in a gorgeous place, knowing that a beautiful life was growing inside me made my heart feel as though it was going to burst. The night of the wedding, I was spotting but didn’t think too much of it as a lot of my friends had reported similar stories in their early pregnancies. I was nervous, for sure, but when the next morning it stopped, I tried to stay calm.

On the drive home, we stopped at my aunt’s house in Rhode Island to say hello and use the restroom. That is when I miscarried for the first time. Imagine your period but aggressively intensified. There was so much blood and the cramps were unbearable. I called Anel into the bathroom and we just stood there in utter shock, not knowing what to do. No one at the house knew we were even pregnant since I was just barely 7 weeks in so we swiftly said our goodbyes and headed out the door. The minute the door shut behind us I crumpled onto the car, sobbing.

My sister stayed with us that night and the next morning she took me to the doctor who confirmed that I had, in fact, lost the baby. Seeing my empty uterus on the sonogram was a crushing visual that I’ll never forget for my entire life. I took the day off from work (I was still working full time) stating a family emergency, and spent the day in and out of tears. We drank a bottle of wine which was my saving grace. When Anel came home from work that night, I think we hugged for 15 minutes without letting go.

I was absolutely devastated and felt completely empty inside. Not figuratively but physically empty. I decided to go back to work the next day because I had no idea what else to do. I remember going to the bathroom to cry every hour or so that day and every day that week. I wasn’t sure who to tell or how to feel.

The next few weeks were a blur of deep sadness like I’ve never experienced before. I told close friends and family about our loss but no one really knew what to say or how to act. After a while I realized that my miscarriage story made people uncomfortable and that wasn’t their fault. It was because so few people actually talk about it. No one shares their stories. As a woman, carrying a child should be the most natural thing in the world so when you feel like you can’t do that properly, it’s almost shameful. For a while, I felt that way about myself but have since changed my views.

Since we had put an offer on the house, we decided to move anyway as we loved the property. Moving was tough. Anel and I were fighting a lot because I felt like he didn’t understand how I could be so upset two months later. The move just about broke me. Broke us. Two weeks later, however, I realized that my period was late and I tested positive. We were in such a bad place and I was still crying daily so it just felt off. When I showed Anel the pregnancy test, he didn’t believe it. That same day we flew to San Francisco for Thanksgiving. At the airport, I miscarried for the second time.

This time, it was different. I had only had a few hours to get excited about the pregnancy and it was still so early that it was far less painful. But in a way it was almost worse. The first time I figured, “this happens to people all the time, I’m not too worried about the future”. But this time it felt like there was something seriously wrong with my body. Thanksgiving was a mess. I was so so sad and literally told Anel that I wanted to stay in California. In my mind I wanted to just run away. From him, from my life, from everything. He brought me back down to earth, thank God.

The holidays were hard. At Christmas, we went back to my aunt’s house (the scene of the first crime) for my cousin’s engagement party and just being there was almost too much to handle. I cried myself to sleep that night, like many other nights in the previous months. Around that time, I saw my doctor and got tested for everything under the sun. All of the tests came out clean and medically I now know that there is nothing wrong with me. That made me feel even more like it was my fault somehow for losing the babies. A few times in December, I woke Anel up in the night, crying in my sleep.

In January I decided that I had to make some serious changes. I was working with Aimee, an acupuncturist and fertility specialist in New York City, and she kept reiterating that my work schedule was not conducive to getting and staying pregnant. After many conversations, I decided to quit my job so that I could focus on blogging and consulting, cutting my work hours in half. It felt like I was on a new path with a new lease on life and everything would finally be ok! In addition to working with Aimee, I started back up with my hypnotherapist to working on calming meditations. Anel and I saw a couples counselor. Things were on the up and up. I was hopeful and I finally felt a glimmer of true happiness again.

We started “trying” again with no luck. Every month when I got my period, it was like a stab in the heart. Now it just didn’t make sense. I was calmer, sleeping through the night for the first time in my life, meditating, working half the hours, and connecting with my husband in a new and beautiful way. Why wasn’t it working?

Last month (May), Anel and I decided to “take the summer off” to enjoy the weather, glasses of rosé, the few trips we have planned. Since then it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I think it was the best decision we’ve made in a long time. May was also the month that our first baby was due so I knew it would be extra hard for me emotionally. My best friend who was due the same week that I was had her perfect beautiful little boy and, although I couldn’t be happier for her, it hurts my heart to think about it too much.

In the last few weeks, seemingly all of my friends are getting pregnant (something that happens in your early 30s) and every time someone else tells me that they’re expecting I’m simultaneously excited for them, and sad for myself. At first I felt guilty for having those feelings but it’s natural and now I allow myself to fully feel them.

Today, I feel hopeful for the future but also feel very lonely in my own body if that makes any sense. We could get pregnant in the fall or in three years, who knows. At every party I go to or family friend I see, someone inevitably asks me when we’re going to have kids. I’ve learned how to plaster on a smile and say, “Soon, we hope” and then excuse myself to regain true composure. I don’t fault anyone for asking. I mean I’ve been married for four years, I’m turning 31 next month, and we bought a house in Connecticut. It makes perfect sense!

I don’t plan to talk about this journey again on Lemon Stripes (with one exception, my Snapchat Q&A today)  until I have a healthy pregnancy but I wanted to share my story so far in hopes that it teaches women to speak up about their experiences, to change the discourse and not feel ashamed of their bodies or their paths to pregnancy. I wish I had been able to read a post like this when I first started trying. I was so naive about how it all worked.

If you have a friend or family member who has experienced miscarriage, here are three things you can do to help:

  1. Check in on her every few days for at least a month. Send a sweet quote and just let her know that you’re thinking about her.
  2. When you speak with her, ask her how she is feeling and let her talk about it for as long as she needs to.
  3. Send a card. My friend Eva (whose blog post inspired this one) recently posted about these thoughtful miscarriage cards. I would have loved to have received one…especially this one.
  4. Share this post, or one like it, with her so she knows that she’s not alone.

If you’ve survived a miscarriage yourself, I encourage you to share your story even with just a close friend. Whatever feels comfortable for you. I promise, that is what will help the most. You never know, that person may have gone through the same thing. I know that once I started opening up about it, friends that have healthy babies finally shared their stories with me as well. I was shocked at how many times that happened and those conversations brought me back to life.

What I’ve learned in the last year is that while I may want to control everything in my life, there are some things that are truly up to a higher power (God, The Universe, whatever you want to call it). I know 100% that we’ll be parents and I just have to be ok with waiting a while longer. There are days when I accept that and there are days when I sob just thinking about it. But in my heart and my gut, I know that we’ll be ok.

#ihadamiscarriage

Comments

  • Mandie

    One of the hardest things to write about, but so well done. Thanks for sharing this painful story. Positive thoughts coming your way as you both grow and heal from this journey.

    xoxo
    Mandie

  • Erin

    I am so sorry. This was a truly beautiful post, and I know it will help so many other women going through the same thing.

  • Robin Waibel

    You are a brave young woman for telling your story. If you help even one person through the pain of miscarriage then you have done a wonderful thing!

  • I honestly and truly can’t imagine your pain, but the way you’ve put yourself out there to share this and talk about a subject that too often causes shame for women going through the exact same thing is beyond brave. You are an amazing woman Julia. xo Jess

  • staci

    Hey Julia! It’s been a while but wanted to let you know I also suffered through a miscarriage and know exactly how you feel. My younger sister had 2 (with no history of miscarriages in our family.) it was so hard on me and took time to get myself back. I give you so much credit for talking about it as I’m always very open about it too as I feel like no one ever talks about it (even if it’s happened to them). Stay strong and you will have your time soon 🙂 sending lots of love xo
    Staci Acquasanta (formerly leather & leops)

  • Alexandra Schizkoske

    First off, I’m so sorry to hear about the miscarriages. Although I personally have not experienced it, I can understand the deep feelings of shame associated with infertility. My husband and I recently discovered that our own infertility struggles are a result of a rare uteran anomaly which I have absolutely no control over. Ever since I was old enough to understand the concept of motherhood, it’s been something I always expected to achieve. Over the years it’s become engrained in the very core of my identity, so learning that motherhood may never be possible for me has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to try and cope with. You described the feelings of shame and sadness very accurately, considering infertility is something so difficult to vocalize. I truly hope your journey towards motherhood improves, but just try and remember that you are still a beautiful, valuable person with no less merit and plenty of love to give, regardless of what my come.

    • I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. When I went through my miscarriage I realized my most supportive friends either were dealing with infertility, had a miscarriage themselves, or suffered from postpartum depression. I think going through any struggle related to pregnancy or motherhood changes your perspective and makes you a more empathetic person, especially since these are all topics that are often suffered in silence.

  • Kaitlin

    What a brave post to write! I am sorry to hear you had to go through that! I wish you the best of luck and know that your time will come soon, in the meantime enjoy summer in your new home and all the rose!

  • Jessica

    You’re so strong and brave for sharing your story. I wish you and your husband the best for the future!

    Sincerely,


    Jessica

  • Ashley

    I feel like I could have written this myself, I had a miscarriage last year and I spiraled into a depression I never thought I would get out of. It was the worst year/experience of my life. I had a lot of therapy and also quit my job to focus on taking care of myself. I started the IVF process at the end of the year and got pregnant after the 2nd round. I will tell you once you get pregnant you are constantly waiting for the miscarriage to happen. I am 24 weeks right now and I still haven’t bought a thing for the nursery. It never goes away. Someone told me to plant a tree or buy something in honor of the lost baby, maybe that would help. Thank you for writing this post!! I love your blog, but I love seeing the person behind the blog too!

  • Crysta

    I don’t normally read your blog, but happened upon it today. 7 years ago, at the age of 34 had 2 miscarriages and the same struggles and feelings. I could change the names and locations and it would be my same story. I felt completely hopeless that I would never have a child. Then, I had a healthy pregnancy (that I worried about daily, every time I went into the bathroom) that gave me a wonderful baby boy. After that, another miscarriage, a molar pregnancy. Then couldn’t get pregnant again. We tried fertility treatments, acupuncture, 3 rounds of IVF and another miscarriage. Unexplained infertility or my time had passed at 38 years old. We looked into adoption and decided it wasn’t for us. I was meant to have only one. And we were done. No more trying. Then at the age of 40- I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant. No intervention- just the old fashioned way. I now have a 6 year old boy and a beautiful baby girl. It’s not how I planned it, but it has worked out the way it was supposed to. After all of the emotional suffering I have two little miracles. Thank you for sharing your story. It would have been a great comfort for me when I was dealing with it myself years ago. I couldn’t talk about it when I was going through it. You are brave to do so, most people keep it to themselves.

    • Stefanie Jones

      Thanks for sharing. I’m 33 and have had 2 miscarriages. I often feel I’m losing time. Hearing your story helps. 🙂

  • Shay

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I think it’s SO important for women like you to share your story! Miscarriage is so much more common than we are led to believe. Sharing your story today will likely touch someone who is going through this too and make their journey just a little easier. Thank you again, so much for sharing!

  • You are so brave for sharing your story and you are so right that these stories need to be shared more often. We often see beautiful posts about pregnancy announcements and happy pregnant couples, with little backstory about how difficult it can be for many many people. Thank you for sharing your story and helping to fill that void for all of us!

  • You are so strong and brave, Julia! To share your story will no doubt help others who have dealt with this pain. I have two friends who experienced the devastation of miscarriage and both who gave birth to beautiful baby girls in the past month so no doubt your time will come and both you and Anel will make wonderful, wonderful parents. Sending you a big hug and lots of love xx

  • KK

    Thank you so much for sharing your story, Julia. My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for the last year and a half. We’ve been tested for everything under the sun, and everything comes up normal. We are 29/30, been married for 3 years. I had thyroid cancer right after we got married and had it quickly removed. Despite not having a natural metabolism or a thyroid anymore, I am the healthiest I have been since high school, and our reproductive endocrinologist, regular endocrinologist, and OBGyn all agree that this isn’t related to my lack-of-a-thyroid, as it is controlled ‘perfectly.’ But I still blame myself a lot.
    I’ve never had to experience that horrible pain of a miscarriage but I can sympathize with how horrible it is to get your period every month.
    I know how it feels when you feel guilty for feeling jealousy when your wonderful friends/cousins/family announce their pregnancies, because you are HAPPY for them, but it just reminds you and your husband of how hard things are for you two.
    I wish you and Anel all of the best. I know firsthand that struggling to get and stay pregnant can be so hard on a marriage, but you two seem like wonderful people, and I know that through science and God, all is possible.
    Wishing you all the best. XX

  • I had a miscarriage last year and one of the worst parts was how isolating the experience was. It’s a very different experience for you than your husband as it’s your own body, and friends tended to be well meaning but less than understanding with comments like “it’s very common”. While I was incredibly lucky in that I already had a child and then was able to successfully have my second child this year, those were incredibly painful months where I would sob hysterically in the shower each night.

    I also realized that there is little support/resources for women, aside from professional therapy or religious books. Neither one appealed to me at that moment and I think that posts like yours are so incredibly important for women to know they are not alone.

    My thoughts are with you Julia and I thank you for sharing your story.

  • Ginna of Ginna & Tonic

    Julia, thank you so much for sharing your story with us, your readers. I am so sorry for your loss and hope you know how many people truly feel for you. My thoughts are with you and your husband. xx

  • Mackenzie Horan

    Julia, my heart hurts for you and all the women commenting who have weathered similar experiences. You are so brave for sharing your story and I have no doubt it will help many other women to know someone they admire has gone through the same thing. Very best wishes to you and Anel, sending you a big hug from Texas! xoxo

  • Katherine Cain

    This is such a brace and beautiful post – thank you for sharing your story. You will be a wonderful mother when the time comes, which it absolutely will. Big hug until then xxx

  • Aimee Rowe

    Thanks so much for sharing your story. I have had friends that have suffered miscarriages and it is hard to know what to do for them to help. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on what to do for a friend in a similar situation. We women need to know that it is okay to tell your story and stick up for yourself and your feelings. God has a plan for your family, I know it. Sending prayers your way.

  • Nancy

    I am so sorry for your pain and loss. I had 4 miscarriages and the feelings that you are damaged in some way are overwhelming. Be good to your self and you will find time will eventually blur the pain a little. I remember the feelings of envy and pain and sadness each time of my friends announced she was pregnant. I did have a healthy girl who just finished her first year of law school. I had 3 miscarriages after her and finally decided God meant her to be our one and only. I am still sad at times that I couldn’t give her more family. I can’t tell you how to make your way through this- only you can do that. But know you are not alone and let your husband journey with you through the process. I wish I had more words to help

    • Nancy

      One other thought i had was that you mentioned you had been tested by the fertility doc and you have no abnormalities. But did your husband get tested? He is also a piece of the puzzle.

  • Courtney

    Thank you so, SO much for sharing your story. I have been going through the same thing. This past March I had miscarriage at 9 weeks, exactly a week before my 32nd birthday. I’ve never had surgery before and going through a D&C was traumatizing. It is so incredibly devastating, I’m still going through an emotional/hormonal roller coaster and want so badly to know why my body has betrayed me. I’ve been on the same green juice/ organic/ clean eating/ yoga crusade prior to and during my pregnancy….I had been feeling so great that miscarriage never even crossed my mind. I’ve now learned that it’s so common but people just don’t talk about it. Common yet isolating. I’ve experienced the same tension w/ my husband as he was immediately ready to try again and I’m still not there. I also have a friend who is due around the same time I would have been along with countless baby showers to attend. I have to look into acupuncture and continue to focus on mind/ body balance. I’m in Stamford as well if you could reccomend someone local for acupuncture that would be awesome!
    Wishing you lots of love, comfort & health on your journey & look forward to when you announce that you’re expecting.
    Best,
    Courtney

  • Tabitha

    I’m so sorry for what you’ve experienced.

  • Julia, thank you for sharing this. I can’t imagine how tough it must have been to experience, and then write about it. Although I have no children and haven’t tried to have any yet, this is a lingering fear in the back of my mind when my fiance and I start trying. I sympathize so much with any woman who’s gone through a loss like this, and it makes me want to tell everyone to check their nagging at the door. We never know who’s tried for years to have children and can’t, or who’s suffered miscarriages, or sterility, and seemingly innocuous questions can really bring up pain.

    Good luck to both you and your husband in this journey! I’m sending tons of love and hope and well-being from Louisiana! <3

  • Sending you so much love! It’s incredibly brave of you to share. You’re helping so many other women with your story! xo.

  • graceatwood

    Oh my gosh Julia, I read this and found myself just sobbing thinking about what you’ve gone through. I didn’t realize it happened twice. Sending you so much love.

  • anon

    I am so sorry for your losses and wish you all of the happiness in the future. Thank you so much for sharing your story–it is so brave of you and will help so many women who read this.

  • Leah

    Julia – First and foremost, I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through. I can only imagine the heartbreak.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is so important to create more of an open dialogue around these issues so that women feel less isolated and are more supported. It is so wonderful of you to use your blog towards that end. I’ve seen certain stories shared by women lucky enough to be on the other side of a healthy pregnancy; it is particularly brave and appreciated that you opened up in this way at this time.

    Sending you best wishes, health, and support!

  • Fernanda Miranda Abreu

    I´m Brazilian, so my English isn´t perfect. But I have to tell this: you are a lovely person. Such a strong woman. Can we be friends? 🙂

  • I’m speechless…. long time reader, occasional comment leaver…. but man. No words. No words can express how sorry for you that I am. No woman deserves to go through this, let alone multiple times. My heart hurts for you. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. Stay strong and bless you for having the courage to share this! May it help others! <3

  • Stefanie Jones

    Julia, thank you so much for this post. I am 33, found out I was pregnant in October 2015 and miscarried in November. At 6 weeks pregnant, the miscarriage was exactly as you described it: an intense, angry period that left me devastated, depressed and empty. I felt broken. I spent the following months trying to figure out why I wasn’t able to “deal with loss” better. Now I know that this has been the only way I could deal with it, by feeling it. Now, after a second miscarriage, I am learning to have compassion for myself. My first due date would have been in 2 weeks, and I am also struggling with the “what-if”s and “why-not-me”s. Again, thank you for sharing. Knowing that others out there understand has helped me enormously.

  • clare

    Your post was absolutely beautiful. First, I am so sorry for your losses. Second, you are very brave to share this. As a Labor and Delivery nurse, I know firsthand the number of women who have endured the same heartbreak. Please know that you are not alone. Take comfort in the thought that you WILL be a parent. Sending you nothing but positive vibes and well wishes.

  • Jennifer

    It is too bad that most women stay quiet about this kind of loss. And make no mistake, it is a loss. I glad you have given up the idea that it is your fault! Hang in there. You seem to be a lovely person and so does your husband.

    My mother lost her first baby three days after giving birth to her, then had health issues that caused her doctors to tell her she would never have a successful pregnancy. Well, 46 years later I’m here to tell you that you just never know! I know from talking with my mother that she struggled with intense feelings of resentment and jealousy toward women with healthy babies after losing her first. Then, guilt over having those feelings.

    Thanks for sharing so much of your life with us. I’ll be sending lost of love and prayers your way.

  • So sorry for your losses. Thank you for sharing your story. Unfortunately, women deal with so much in silence. You are strong and brave. Sending you positive light.

  • Kim

    Thank you for sharing such a personal and heartbreaking story. I have had a miscarriage, a healthy living son, and recently lost a full term infant girl when she was 17 days old. Losing a baby at any stage is so painful. You are losing all the hopes and dreams of your own and your child’s future. Since I lost my daughter, I rarely read fashion blogs anymore since they seem to put forward a very planned, perfect image far from what reality is. Your blog is one of the few I have continued to follow and today it became so clear why. You have heart and will survive this journey. Be gentle on yourself. Also – glow in the woods is a great blog for baby loss at all stages.

  • I just discovered your blog a few weeks ago via instagram. You are very brave for sharing your story. I also have had two miscarriages, which were over a year apart. We’ve been trying for over two years now, and I am finally pregnant again, but it’s still early (we’ve been through all the tests, but there’s nothing apparently wrong). I found out about my previous pregnancy two days before Christmas and miscarried a week later. The only people who know are my best friend and sister. Infertility is really lonely, and it’s easy to become bitter.

    After my second miscarriage, I started seeing a therapist. I read Ask and It is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks and found the exercises incredibly helpful. I also loved Law of Attraction by Michael Losier because it had very practical advice that helped with my overall state of mind. I definitely recommend both.

    I’m sure you’re getting plenty of advice, but all I can say is that it helped to keep reminding myself that miscarriages were confirmation that I could actually get pregnant. As traumatizing as they were, they gave me hope. I know it seems hard right now, but you’re only 30. We started trying when we were 35, and every month felt like time slipping away. Good luck!

  • Danielle Kingsbury

    I have no experience with this but I just want to say thank you for speaking out on such a personal topic. This is very brave!

  • Carly A. Heitlinger

    Love you Julia!! xoxoxo

  • It’s so great of you to share your story. A lot of people constantly go through really difficult experiences and it helps them to feel less alone by having someone to relate to 🙂

    http://ohduckydarling.com

  • Helen Dorsey

    I wish I was one of those people who are eloquent and manage to write just the right thing in response to something where there are no words. Unless you have been through it, the pain of infertility and the affect it can have on your relationship is inconceivable. Thank you for sharing your story.

    I never liked hearing the “I went through infertility but we succeed at long last” stories when I was struggling because I while I felt happy for them, I was crying out “Why not us!?!?!” With that in mind I apologize and am only sharing because maybe it will help someone else out there. While it was more difficult, I was 41 when I got pregnant. Acupuncture, meditating, praying, Clomid (and mentally punching anyone in the nose who told me to ‘just relax!”)

    You and your husband WILL be parents and I cannot wait to read that post!

  • Allison Norton

    Hi Julia! I wanted to say that I’m so sorry for your losses and so moved by your post. Thank you for opening up with us and sharing. It makes a brave and powerful statement to so many women.

    xx Allison

  • Sabrina

    Thank you for being brave enough to share this and help others~ prayers for you and your husband ~good thoughts for rainbow babies~

  • Col

    I’m so sorry for your losses. I had an ectopic pregnancy followed by a miscarriage 9 months later. (Both happened after my first child was born.) Those were some dark, dark days. Most of the time there’s no explanation for miscarriage, and no greater “meaning” in it. It’s just… sad. And it takes time to heal your heart and feel better. We finally had our second child, and she is the daughter that I dreamed I’d have. It takes a lot of guts to go through this process… carry on with strength and hope!!

  • Hi Julia, I think it’s great that bloggers like you speak about miscarriages. I suffered 3 miscarriages and it was so painful, so terribly sad and I felt so lonely when it happened. Like you I felt to empty and I felt like that for a few months when my husband had moved on way before. I did not feel understood by him even though he was very sad too at first. It was so hard and I did not know who to confide in. When it’s your trying for your first you wonder whether there may be something wrong with you. After I did test I was told by my doctor that I was borderline for a condition called policistic ovary and I really panicked!
    After I finally got pregnant with our first little one I decided to tell everyone what I had been through and it opened up lots of confidence from other girls/mums/family members. It’s still such a taboo but talking about it with others who might have gone though the experience really helped. Our son was born overdue and I gave birth on the day we lost our first baby…. At first I felt really upset about it but my husband made me change my mind by pointing out that this date was a sign of God and this date would never be a date of sadness and grief and I really loved his vision. We are now the super blessed parents of 3:) Surround yourself with positive people, make plans for travel, projects etc and let it happen. Sending you lots of positive vibes! Lots of love from London, Julie xx

    http://www.jafinthebox.wordpress.com

  • I’ve been there and it is so hard. Bravo to you for talking about it and sharing everything. We had four miscarriages in between our two boys and it was beyond emotional. I felt the gamut of emotions and every time I talked to someone who got pregnant effortlessly I wanted to slap them. Miscarriage changes everything. When I finally got pregnant with our sticky baby, it would have been really easy to give in to fear. I wrestled with it for 9 months. But I’m here to tell you that every struggle we went through, every loss, every tear I shed was worth it to get him in the end. Carry on, brave mama. Hugs to you!

  • Marie

    Peace to you and your husband and strength for the journey, you are stronger than you can ever imagine. My children are now 36 yrs old, 30 years old and 21 — only the first pregnancy was easily achieved, followed by a ruptured ectopic pregnancy , Clomid , miscarriages(3), a healthy pregnancy and then a very happy surprise- third pregnancy when I was 41! It is so hard to feel alone during difficult times. Be kind to yourself and your spouse. Love is love is love is …..

  • Christina Reilly

    Hi Julia,
    I worked with you both at IIN for a little while. I have also had misscariages. It took us 3 years of trying before having our son who is almost 3 months old. I found out I have MTHFR gene mutation. We went through fertility testing and since I had misscariages they tested me for it. I can’t have folic acid, which is in everything! I cut out all gluten (most bread products have it) read all labels, switched to a raw prenatal and cut out any soaps, shampoo, cleaning products with toxins. It’s worth looking into. After all the recommended changes, I was able to get pregnant after 2 months. With some extra monitoring and progesterone I had an amazing pregnancy and birth. Anyone I know who is having trouble I would recommend getting tested for this. I wish I did earlier. Wishing you both all the best.

  • I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine the courage that it takes to share the story of your miscarriages, but I want to thank you for doing so. I am deeply grateful for your honesty, for your willingness to open up this topic so that other women may know that they are not alone.

    xx Jean

  • Sarah

    Julia,
    Thank you for writing this post. I have been a blog reader for several years and occasional commenter. Today I have three beautiful children, but not before enduring three miscarriages and 4 D&C surgeries. Of course they were worth all the emotional and physical pain but it was an extremely dark and sad time in my life. It was lonely and I felt like a failure. Everyone around me was getting pregnant and while it may sound heartless I kept telling myself I was happy for them but sad for me – and I decided that it was OK if there were some days where I really couldn’t invest any energy into my happiness for them. There were some showers and baby namings I just couldn’t bring myself to attend, some Facebook posts that I just couldn’t extend my congratulations , and that too is OK. Allow yourself the grace and compassion to put yourself first and care for yourself and your husband and your relationship. It doesn’t lessen the pain right now but just know that your relationship and marriage will be stronger for it in the end and you will have a compassion for other women that only those of us who have truly struggled to conceive, can fully understand. Sending you light and love , sarah

  • Julia, I really admire your courage in sharing this very personal part of your life. I think in doing so, you will certainly help other women in similar situations feel a sense of comfort and hope. Sending you positive thoughts and best wishes as you continue on this journey. xo

    Taffeta & Tulips

  • Cher

    You are so brave for sharing your story, and when I read it I felt that I was reading my own story. The past year I also had 2 miscarriages, but am completely healthy. it is sometimes harder when there is nothing wrong and no explanation. I am now almost 6 months pregnant and it does not get any easier worrying even when I past the 4 month mark! Like you, I truly felt in my gut everything will be ok and now that I feel this little being inside of me I think we had to surrender to whatever was meant to be and this little person that was meant to join our family. Thank you for sharing, it is such a hard, silent journey!

  • It took a lot of courage to share this and you are so brave for sharing this story. I’m not at the same point in my life right now, but my heart goes out to you! Sending you positive thoughts!

    xo
    Dana

  • Hi Julia,

    I follow you on instagram and saw your post the other day and had a bad feeling this was the topic. You are so brave to share your journey to this point and I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I started trying to get pregnant at age 29 and had 4 miscarriages between then and 31. It was the most devastating time of my life and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. My story was very similar to yours – easily got pregnant the first two times and then hit a wall. Eventually when I was 32 we were able to have twin boys via ivf. I just wanted to say that it may feel right now as if it will never happen – I know that exact feeling – but I want to tell you that it will. Sending you all the positive vibes. There is a huge community out there to support you.

    Xo,
    Meredith

  • You are so brave to share your story so other women don’t feel like they are alone in this horrible experience. I am thinking of you and sending so many positive thoughts your way.

  • Grace Oakley

    Thank you so much for sharing. You’re right, this isn’t talked enough about. Sending you love and light <3

  • Meagan

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I hope I can be more sensitive towards friends who are trying to get pregnant.
    -Meg
    http://www.smalltownsisters.blogspot.com

  • Shannon Farrell

    Thanks so much for sharing your story. When my husband and I started trying to get pregnant, in my late 30’s we too got pregnant very quickly but over the course of a year and a half had 3 miscarriages. And every time I tried to make sure to share my story, not because it took away the pain of it, but because I think this needs to be something we can and do talk about, because it happens to so many of us and needn’t be so hush hush, and no one should have to feel alone in their experience. This is real life. We were lucky enough to find a great fertility doc who had a site of treatment for folks like me who’ve had recurring miscarriages. We got pregnant again quickly but this time we were able to try to manage every possible risk factor the doctor could help us with. We’ve made it to 20 weeks as of today, and I work hard to focus on the positive and avoid worrying too much about something going wrong; it can be so hard once you have experienced loss, and lost your innocence about it, to not worry every moment, but I’m trying to focus on the amazing journey of it and hope that we are lucky enough to make it all the way through. Best wishes for all of us trying and hoping.

  • Ann

    I started reading your blog at the recommendation of my beautiful 20-year old daughter, a gift to my husband and I after a miscarriage, years of heartbreak, frustration and fertility procedures. You’re so brave and smart to share your story. Though you’re fortunate to be on this journey with your wonderful husband, it can still be very lonely and isolating. I wish I could say that the sadness and feelings of loss go away. They don’t, but they do become less and less a painful part of your life and actually present more of an opportunity to experience love and joy. Know that you share the feelings that women and couples have felt for millennia. We journey with you. I believe that this experience made my husband and I closer and i have come to so appreciate the compassion and understanding my friends and family exhibited toward me over that period even when, at the time, I often just felt resentment and anger over their caring. When I finally became pregnant with my daughter (after we ended treatments and were ready to adopt), she and I struggled to make her life happen…bleeding, bed rest, hoping and lots and lots of anxiety. The bond I feel with her though is something I cannot put in words…she is part of my heart and a part of me that is different from anyone else. We tag-teamed to create life and that’s a truly amazing feeling! Remember life is a journey with lots of steps and side trips along the way. You’re not alone. Keep trying, keep sharing, keep smiling!

  • Kendall

    Words cannot express how grateful I am for you sharing your story. Miscarriages are such an isolating experience that people rarely discuss. After having 2 miscarriages, I found it very difficult to relate to a lot of the lifestyle bloggers I follow who are frequently posting their picture perfect pregnancies without mention of any struggles. Reading your post today along with all the comments helped me realize that I’m not alone. This isn’t an easy topic to write about it; but it’s important to get out in the open.

    Thank you and Best of luck on your Journey!

  • Grace at The Stripe linked to your story today, thank you so much for sharing. A friend of mine went through two miscarriages and it was really devastating. When she shared her story with friends she was surprised how many of them had been through the same thing but never talked about it.
    Sending you strength and love!
    xo Jules

  • Emily

    I echo the words of others here, words cannot express how grateful I am for you sharing your story. My husband and I have been trying since last year and have not had success. Like you, everyone around me is getting pregnant, and asks when will we be too (Bridget Jones’ “Tick Tock, Tick Tock” comes to mind whenever they ask. It breaks my heart every time I have to smile and say, “when the time is right”. I remain positive and send you positive energy to get through this too. You are an amazing blogger and I thank you for being authentic and reminding us that we must remain positive, there are ways to move forward and how important it is to support those who have experienced this loss.

  • preetha b

    you are a bravo!

  • Kathryn Sutter

    I have never read your blog; however, as I lay awake mourning my first miscarriage, I am so glad I did! Last week, my husband and I lost our first baby to miscarriage at 10 weeks. I had no cramping, no blood. I woke up at 4AM with an overwhelming feeling that something was wrong. I know it was God speaking to me. I drove to the ER, husband was out of town, and they looked at me like I was crazy. 4 ultrasounds by various people later confirmed no heartbeat. It has been the hardest and most devastating thing. Thank you for being so honest. We are not alone.

  • Hello. I found your blog through The Mama Notes today and wanted to thank you for sharing your story. Though I do not know the pain of going through a miscarriage, I can relate whole heartedly to the emotional toll of “trying” to have a baby. When you said “Every month when I got my period, it was like a stab in the heart”, I know what that’s like. I was so stressed out and suppressing so much pain and anger while we were trying to get pregnant, that it took a huge toll on my body. There’s so much I could share with you, but I just want to encourage you to keep pursuing a baby if that is what you truly feel is right for you and your husband. Keep loving each other through the super hard days and enjoy the happy moments together. Sending you so much love!

  • Ann Cannon

    I have had four Miscarriages over the years, and I have not been happy, I search for solution every where all to no avail, My condition became very complex to an extent of me having Miscarriage every five month. Until I got the contact of a doctor from the testimony of Others on the internet. I contacted him made him understand all I have passed through over the years, and he gave me his medication which I too for two month, and now am a mother of three month old Baby name John. If you have such problem, contact the doctor through his email at drsteve833@gmail.com
    Am happy now.

  • Elizabeth

    Thank you for your story. It’s so easy to feel alone in the emotional roller-coaster that had followed my miscarriage (at 6 weeks). Your feelings and experiences expressed the way I’ve felt but haven’t been able to put into words in the last week. It’s especially hard when it seems no one in my family has experienced it. Thanks for your perspective and I hope the best for you and your family.

  • Ann Cannon

    I havea Miscarriages over the years, and I have not been happy, I
    search for solution every where all to no avail, My condition became
    very complex to an extent of me having Miscarriage every five month.
    Until I got the contact of a doctor from the testimony of Others on the
    internet. I contacted him made him understand all I have passed through
    over the years, and he gave me his medication which I too for two month,
    and now am a mother of three month old Baby name John. If you have
    such problem, contact the doctor through his email at drsteve833@gmail.com
    Am happy now.

  • Hannah Scanlon

    This is spot on. I had a miscarriage over the summer and haven’t been able to get pregnant since. Each period truly a stab in the heart. My husband and I are doing the same thing you guys did – take off trying so hard. Go on trips. Have a lot of fun with each other. My grieving process took a solid six months. I am still not completely ok, but the constant tears have at least stopped. Thanks for sharing.

  • Tracy Cater

    Am the happiest Father on Earth,
    My wife suffered from the problem of Miscarriage for two (2) years and we have look for solution We got a solution from Dr Steve, he sent us is product which my wife used for one month and now she is completely cured. she was able to give birth, now am having a happy family again.and any one with such problem can contact him on drsteve833@gmail.com
    Regards

  • Victoria Valenzuela

    I don’t think I related so much to a post in my life! Yes after surviving a miscarriage last year, it put a lot in perceptive. I can’t thank you enough for posting what you post. We always think we are doing it alone, and no one can relate, but because of people like you it was a happy feeling to have someone who understands. Thank you!