Being in Bermuda last week brought up so many emotions for me. This is probably TMI but the first time I got pregnant was there, and I couldn’t help but think about that way too much while we were on the island. I’ve been wanting to write about having a baby post-miscarriage, and now that she’s approaching three months, I think that I’ve finally wrapped my head around the feelings.
When I miscarried the first time, it broke me in a way that I didn’t think was possible. The sadness took over my entire body and life. It was tearing apart my relationship and affecting my health, and there was no end in site. The second one pushed me even further into depression. The physical emptiness is indescribable unless you’ve lived it.
The next year of trying felt like torture. All of my friends were getting pregnant, and everywhere I turned there was a baby staring back at me… Especially on Facebook.
When I finally did get pregnant, it was hard to believe and didn’t really set in for months. I was excited and anxious, like any new mother, but also couldn’t help missing the other babies and wondering what they would be like.
The minute she was born, that all changed and she became my whole life and whole heart. I completely forgot about the miscarriages, really and truly. She is the perfect baby, mild mannered, strong, happy, and the love of my life. I can’t imagine not having her in my life, and I’m grateful, in a way, for what I went through, because it brought her to me.
My pregnancy was calmer and we had created a better life for our family and baby.
Sometimes I look at her and tear up out of nowhere from the amount of love that I feel for this tiny human. So many people told me during our fertility struggles that I’d one day understand why we had to go through it. And I do. I really do. She’s the one. My soul mate.
But when we got to Bermuda, a flood of feelings came back and hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn’t help but think about what life would have been like with that first baby (that I’m convinced was a boy). What would he have looked like? What would he have been like?
I allowed myself to feel those feelings and think about it for a while, but then Amalia woke back up and gave me one of her big beautiful smiles, and I realized that everything really did happen for a reason. She truly is my rainbow.
Photos by Carter Fish.