Being in Bermuda last week brought up so many emotions for me. This is probably TMI but the first time I got pregnant was there, and I couldn’t help but think about that way too much while we were on the island. I’ve been wanting to write about having a baby post-miscarriage, and now that she’s approaching three months, I think that I’ve finally wrapped my head around the feelings.
When I miscarried the first time, it broke me in a way that I didn’t think was possible. The sadness took over my entire body and life. It was tearing apart my relationship and affecting my health, and there was no end in site. The second one pushed me even further into depression. The physical emptiness is indescribable unless you’ve lived it.
The next year of trying felt like torture. All of my friends were getting pregnant, and everywhere I turned there was a baby staring back at me… Especially on Facebook.
When I finally did get pregnant, it was hard to believe and didn’t really set in for months. I was excited and anxious, like any new mother, but also couldn’t help missing the other babies and wondering what they would be like.
The minute she was born, that all changed and she became my whole life and whole heart. I completely forgot about the miscarriages, really and truly. She is the perfect baby, mild mannered, strong, happy, and the love of my life. I can’t imagine not having her in my life, and I’m grateful, in a way, for what I went through, because it brought her to me.
My pregnancy was calmer and we had created a better life for our family and baby.
Sometimes I look at her and tear up out of nowhere from the amount of love that I feel for this tiny human. So many people told me during our fertility struggles that I’d one day understand why we had to go through it. And I do. I really do. She’s the one. My soul mate.
But when we got to Bermuda, a flood of feelings came back and hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn’t help but think about what life would have been like with that first baby (that I’m convinced was a boy). What would he have looked like? What would he have been like?
I allowed myself to feel those feelings and think about it for a while, but then Amalia woke back up and gave me one of her big beautiful smiles, and I realized that everything really did happen for a reason. She truly is my rainbow.
Sweater / Jeans / Amalia’s Dress
Photos by Carter Fish.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Julia! I found out I miscarried at 13 weeks this past June, and it has definitely been a hard heart-breaking journey. I am grateful of women like you who’ve shared their journeys and experiences, as it has definitely felt less lonely that it may have. Your post was exactly what I needed to read right now. I cannot wait for my rainbow! <3
I was at 12 weeks in June…I totally empathize with you, Katie! I hope you get your rainbow soon. <3
Katie I’m so sorry to hear this. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Stay positive! Your rainbow baby WILL come to you…. As annoying as that sounds. I used to hate when people told me that. But now that I’m on the other side, I really believe it for others too.
You were right – I’m now 15.5 weeks pregnant with my rainbow!! The anxiety is starting to fade… and slowly change into being overwhelming thinking about which stroller to buy, etc. And it is the best feeling ever!!! 🙂
Ahhhh so so so happy for you Katie!!! Congrats 🙂
This post is perfect, and exactly what I needed to read today. <3 Thank you for sharing so much vulnerability! It can definitely be hard to stay hopeful, but your words and these adorable photos definitely bring some hope to many of us. 🙂
Thanks Caitlin. Im’m so glad that it helped in some way, no matter how big or small. xo
so happy for you and your family 🙂
Beautiful post. I am 20 weeks with a baby girl after a missed miscarriage last Spring. I have been very anxious during my pregnancy, but reminders like this that everything happens for a reason make me feel much more confident <3
Congrats, so exciting! I was terrified for a lot of my pregnancy but it does get better as you go… Then you just start getting nervous about labor 🙂 But I had a great experience with that too so I hope it helps to hear that labor isn’t always terrible!
I am so sorry for your losses, even now, as you are on “the other side” in a way. I have had four miscarriages and three babies and it still shakes me sometimes. I will find myself thinking about my body, and that it doesn’t do what it should, or that perhaps I wouldn’t have had the children I did have had those other pregnancies worked out, and it brings me so much sadness. But I do truly choose (and I really believe it is a choice, don’t you?), that it happened for a reason – I am so much more grateful for the children I do have and my marriage is much stronger because of it.
Amy I’m so sorry to hear about your losses. I know what you mean about feeling like your body isn’t doing it’s job properly. During that time I felt like a failure as a woman. Happiness is for sure a choice, and I’m totally with you on marriage being stronger after surviving the losses.
Beautiful post, Julia! I love hearing all things Amalia and I literally cannot believe how cute she is. She looks just like both you and Anel!
Thanks Taylor! She’s pretty cute, I have to agree 🙂
Omg that dress!
I had a miscarriage in February and am now just 8 weeks pregnant– I wish I could change my attitude but I’m just so stressed out about miscarrying again. Your post really helps.
Congratulations, Kelly!I know the beginning of pregnancy after miscarriage is insanely hard. I was terrified every single day of my first trimester. That goes away a little after you hit that 13 week mark. Just remember that it’s ok to feel scared and you’re not the only one, I promise.
I’ve had two miscarriages and I will be 39 at the end of this month. I’m having to come to terms with the possibility that there might be no rainbow for me.
Christine, I’m so so sorry to hear that. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Congratulations Christine! I’m so happy for you!!
Well said. I miscarried twice and both ended in surgeries, an ectopic and D&C. During the first surgery a nurse at the hospital asked if I wanted the remains for burial. Standard question for them, but I burst into tears. Until then I hadn’t really thought about it being the loss of life.
Every time I look at my 2 year old I know things happen for a reason and I can’t imagine my life without her, but I also something think about the baby that would have been.
It’s now been a year exactly since my second miscarriage and I still believe that things do happen for a reason. I am currently 22 weeks along with a baby boy.
A close family member lost their firstborn at 40 weeks, the baby was completely healthy and it was a fluke. It’s the most devastating thing our family has ever had to endure. The birth of their rainbow baby helped everyone heal a little bit, although the scar and pain of loss will never leave. It’s such a terrible tragic event to have to endure and really shows how we as humans have virtually no control over most things in life.
What a sweet love letter to your daughter! My rainbow daughter is 8 now, and she is the most amazing gift of my life. While I will always feel wistful and sad about the two pregnancies I lost, I am ever more grateful for and awed by the joys that my two precious children bring to my life every day.
I don’t have words for this, just love. Thank you, as always, for sharing your journey.