Lately, I’ve been having this weird feeling I can’t quite put my finger on. It’s not bad, per se, just different. A little untethered. A little… in between I guess. I’m not sure if it has to do with turning 40 or having kids that are no longer toddlers, but it’s definitely crept up on me.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my career and realizing something that would have shocked 20-something me: I don’t have a burning desire to climb higher anymore. I don’t need a bigger platform, more followers a bigger project, a bigger anything right now. I genuinely love what I do and love the freedom that it brings me to be around for my kids, and I want to keep doing it, but I’m not chasing the next big thing like I used to. That fire to advance has shifted into a steadier feeling that’s consistent and comforting. But it also makes me wonder… what’s next? And is this ok???

I also ask if the world is going to fall apart but that’s another whole story.

The truth is, I don’t really know! I’ve always been someone with a five-year plan (and a backup five-year plan, just in case lol), but right now I don’t have one. It’s unsettling and a little exciting all at once.

I’ve talked to several friends about this feeling and have learned that I’m not the only one in this position. A lot of us (all late 30s or early 40s) are in this limbo. It’s comfortable in some ways because I’m not stressing about what’s next but for me personally it feels more scary than anything else. What if nothing is next? What if I go another 40 years and haven’t done “enough”… whatever that means.

On top of all that, there’s another layer I didn’t expect to hit so hard in the last few years: my parents are getting older and I’ve had to take on a light caretaker role for one of them. We’re at the beginning stages of what I know will be a long, emotional road of role-reversal and it’s weird and terrifying and humbling and also kind of… beautiful? It has caused a huge shift in how I see them, how I see myself, and how I think about the future.

So is this my midlife crisis? I’m not really sure. Maybe it’s just what growing up really looks like. Maybe I’ll just call it my midlife shift.

There hasn’t been a dramatic or flashy change, but more like a slow unfolding of small shifts that I can’t control but am learning to meet with as much grace as I can muster.