Today I’m getting deeply personal and writing about something that has plagued me for as long as I can remember, but has become even worse since I became a mother: Anxiety.
It’s something that I struggle with on a daily basis but am also really good at hiding from friends, family, and you guys. Anel often tells me that he can’t even tell when I’m feeling anxious until I tell him or until it bubbles over into a full blown panic attack. Hiding it from the world is kind of my specialty which probably makes it worse, TBH.
A few years ago I shared my tips on overcoming anxiety and then what to do if you’re having a panic attack. But sometimes it’s not that easy. Sometimes all the yoga and meditation and acupuncture and smudge sticks and mantras in the world can’t help.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had anxiety in one form or another. As a kid it manifested in fears of everything from dogs to the dark. As an adult, it goes in waves from being really intense to completely livable. On my worst days, I’ll have a panic attack and pretty much can’t function, and on my best days, I’m anxiety-free.
After I had the baby, however, it’s been pretty much constant. Not panic attack constant, but constant. Because of my history, I feared that I would have post-partum depression or post-partum anxiety, incredibly crippling disorders that I’ve seen a few of my friends go through. To my surprise, I didn’t have either and although those first few months were tough, they were manageable.
But even though I wasn’t that bad, I was still bad. When I had to put her down at night, I’d get so nervous that she wouldn’t sleep that I would cry. When we would take her for walks in the stroller, my heart would beat so fast I thought it would pop out of my chest. Why? No idea.
Today, I’ve calmed down about a lot of things in regards to Amalia. What’s crazy is that while I’m physically with her or when we’re in a sticky situation like when she was puking and dehydrated, I can turn it off. Something that’s always been important to me is raising a daughter in a calm and happy environment and somehow that desire gives me the power to stay calm in times when I normally couldn’t.
Other things I get anxious about? I literally don’t even know where to start! From my social media engagement (I swear Instagram is the root of all my problems) to finances (like many people) to sleep (hello insomnia), anything can set me off. And the funny thing is that on certain days I can brush something off and on others it will shake me to my core. It has no pattern which is one of the hardest parts.
Although I’m calmer with the baby, the extra work that comes with having a child (extra work is the understatement of the century) has me feeling like I’m constantly treading water to stay afloat and I think that feeling is what brings on that feeling of being overwhelmed which is a major trigger for me.
What’s interesting to me is how my anxiety manifests itself physically.
Generally: My shoulders tense up, my heart beats really fast and I get kind of a buzzing in my head. This can last a few minutes or a few days depending on the intensity.
Insomnia: The worst physical aspect for me is insomnia. When I’m feeling anxious, I don’t sleep. And not like it takes an hour to fall asleep, more like I sleep for an hour or less all night. After weeks of that in a row, I feel like a complete zombie.
Back pain: I get terrible lower back pain when I’m stressed and have thrown my back out multiple times which is not a joke. If you’ve ever had a back spasm, you can relate. Usually now I can feel it coming on and lay down with a heating pad (when possible) to prevent it from fully spasming.
So what am I doing about it?
Anel and I have talked about my anxiety at length over the last few weeks. We’ve tried everything and finally agreed that I’m at a place where a therapist can probably help more than anyone else. I haven’t been to therapy in years (since my parents’ divorce), but I’m hopeful about the outcome! Every time I’ve tried conventional therapy in the past, it has made a world of difference. I’ll keep you posted on how it goes after a few months.
The reason I’m posting this is because I want people to know that what is posted online and on Instagram isn’t always indicative of what is going on in real life. I want anyone who has anxiety to know that you’re not alone.
I get messages all the time asking how I do everything I do so “gracefully”, but the reality is I’m completely overwhelmed. Like every new mom, it’s a daily struggle to balance work and motherhood, add anxiety on top of that and you have a seriously strong cocktail! I’m hoping that the steps I’m taking now will move me toward an anxiety free future.
If you struggle with anxiety, I’d love to hear what you do to combat it!
Therapy is the most important thing for me in coping with my GAD (general anxiety disorder). After seeing my therapist for awhile we decided to also add in a psychiatrist who I go to for an SSRI prescription. Don’t let a stigma of medication steer you away from also considering that as an option. Its a personal journey and you need to do what’s right for you. For me personally the SSRI has changed my life and allowed me to live without constant anxiety or has given me the ability to push off anxious feelings. Coupled with therapy and healthy living techniques it really does help me manage my anxiety!
Good luck <3
Thank you for sharing! As a fellow anxiety /panic attack sufferer it can be a such a frustrating, confusing and maddening experience. Once minute you’re ok… and then the next, you’re not. It’s so important to talk about it so thank you for using your platform. Therapy worked wonders for me, and am in the process of trying to find a new one. The simplest thing I try to introduce is lots of self-care moments. At first I felt indulgent and spoiled, but then I realized I have a different frequency and it literally makes me feel so much better to have some rituals for myself (bath, face mask, watch a show by myself etc.). I’m trying to introduce more yoga, breathing and exercise in general as another coping mechanism. Wish you all the best in this journey. You’re not alone xx
I’m right there with ya mama! Started therapy 2 years ago, go twice a month and it has helped me beyond measure. Still anxious but have made lots of strides!!
Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your story with us! I also struggle with anxiety to the point where I decided to go on a medicine. In addition to the medicine, I use the Calm app, which is really helpful because it allows me to get out of my head for a second.
I have also begun talking out loud and saying rational things to help me not be afraid of what’s going on- it doesn’t always work, but it helps bring the heart rate down a bit!
It’s something we will probably always have, but getting it to a manageable spot is our dream!
Thank you for sharing and for being real! We all struggle, and I think more readers (and friends IRL) struggle with anxiety than you would ever imagine. I know I’m one of them. I don’t have kids yet, but I can totally see how that would be a near-constant trigger. Honestly, I tried nearly everything to manage it on my own, then ended up taking a very low-dose anxiety medication. I had been resisting it for so long and can honestly say it has truly helped me manage it on a daily basis. There is SO much stigma surrounding mental health issues but it is a very real condition, and just like you may need to treat something like diabetes, sometimes anxiety too needs to be treated.
First of all, thank you Julia for continuing to de-stigmatized anxiety. Most people don’t realize there is a severe difference between nervousness and anxiety, so by being open and honest about it, you’re giving others a voice who may be too embarrassed or not have a platform to address it. Secondly, although I’m sure everything isn’t always 100% “Instagram perfect” I’m excited to see another woman with anxiety doing what I believe is an extraordinary job raising their daughter. Your extremely thoughtful with everything you do for Amalia and it shows in the posts you write on her care – any baby that is happy/healthy (although you can never predict a last-minute virus, but that’s life) speaks volumes of the parents. Secondly, I know this may sound a little odd, but I actually Skyped with a hypnotherapist for my anxiety after hearing incredible things via an old roommate. Trust me, I was completely skeptical going in, but sure enough, my anxiety has calmed down so much more. I was able to get down to the root of my anxiety, too, so that I could focus on healing more once my sessions were over. If you ever need his contact, feel free to ask. Wishing you and your family the best! xx
– Kaitlyn
@nycgirlinpearls
Thank you for this amazing post. It wasn’t until my mid 30s and after coming out of some pretty severe post-partum anxiety and depression and realizing that what I felt after giving birth was what I had felt my whole life – just amplified. I also very clearly remember my first panic attack when I was around 30 – and I remember thinking very calmly in my head as my heart rate and breathing betrayed me: Oh, this is what people mean when they talk about a panic attack. For me to get better, it took therapy and medication. I highly recommend CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) – it’s what really helped me figure out how to deal with my issues and get better. There will be many of us right there beside you on this journey.
Yes to this all ! While I have never been clinically diagnosed with anxiety disorder, I tend to feel anxious without cause. One day it can be out of sight others it’s so intense. I find I clench my jaw when I am dealing with anxiety.
Exercise has been a huge help in coping, even if it’s just a walk. I also feel like if I do some laundry or keep my house clutter free it seems to help. Even just making a list and mapping out what has to be done helps me.
Thanks for writing this. I often have to unfollow some bloggers instagrams because everything is too perfect and I am like how do they look so pulled together all the time! Have to remind myself that’s one second in a picture.
I’m just curious, can you elaborate on what you mean by “instagram is the root of all your problems”? Do you think your anxiety would go away if you were off Instagram? Did you have anxiety before Instagram? Also, have you ever been on meds or considered it? I went through a very tough time where I had a lot of various stressors in my life that was just too overwhelming for me to handle. My doctor put me on a very low dose of Wellbutrin and it helped enormously. It was only temporary but it got me through that and I know a lot of people who are on some kind of similar medication indefinitely.
I love your posts about health and wellness the most and I’m so happy that you’re busting the stigma and talking about mental health. It’s so, so, so important to treat it the same as physical health. Wishing you the best of luck as you try to get your anxiety under control. Know that there are a lot of us cheering you on!
You are not alone. I have struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. My first memories of feeling weird (panic attacks) are from kindergarten. I’m now in my late twenties and although it’s gotten better than the terrible time I had in my teens, it’s still a part of my life, and probably always will be. Thank you for sharing this. Sometimes it helps to share with others! You’re doing the best you can, and that’s okay. Sometimes, you’re on the top of the world, and sometimes you need to crawl back in bed. It’s all okay!
Thank you for sharing your decision of going to see a therapist. I feel that many are not comfortable sharing anxiety issues and how they plan to take control of it. It really needs to be talked about more though. This will help SO many people, thank you Julia.
Thank you for posting this! It’s interesting how anxiety manifests itself in different ways for different people. I was having a lot of health issues a year and a half ago and had NO idea it was anxiety. I went to the doctor literally thinking I was dying from a plethora of different things, but my doctor diagnosed me with anxiety. I was shocked that anxiety could cause the physical issues I was having! My main problems were extreme dizziness and numbness all over my body. Anyway – I’ve been on Lexopro for the past year and a half, and my life has improved drastically. I know that medication won’t necessarily be a long-term solution (I can’t stay on it forever), but for now, it has been amazing. Best of luck to you in figuring out the best way to treat your anxiety!
You’re so not alone. I have GAD and MDD, both that are pretty well controlled right now with medication, therapy, and a healthy diet. But the winter months have me struggling (I definitely notice an uptick during the ugly New England winter). I found that doing a Whole30/Paleo reset really took my mental health problems down a notch when they start to feel out of control. Of course, exercise and sleep can help, but those can be impossible when you’re in the thick of it.
Sometimes with therapy, I feel like I’m getting no where, but then I look back and realize the downward trend of my symptoms over the past few years are definitely thanks to incorporating therapy (tradition talk therapy, and some CBT).
xo, good luck!
Thank you for sharing! Mental illness is still so stigmatized, so every time someone opens up it helps. Therapy made an incredible difference in my life – particularly cognitive behavioral therapy and acceptance & commitment therapy, which helped me to accept my anxiety without letting it control me. Your experience with meditation and mindfulness will probably help you a lot. Wishing you a positive outcome!
I love the community you have built out of Lemon Stripes and am so happy to be a part of it. Your honesty about topics like this really has a positive influence! I’ll send you lots of warm thoughts, XAllie http://www.theallthatglittersblog.com
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us. While I’ve never struggled with anxiety, I do know the struggle of becoming a Mom and how it completely rocks your works in both good ways and challenging ways. Therapy has helped me through some of the most diffult times in my life and I think it is such a wonderful tool to help achieve mental clarity and a sense of calm. Your daughter is so lucky to have a Mother that is self aware and willing to take care of herself especially when she is struggling with something. Sending positive vibes and love your way as your start this new journey. xo
The best thing to do is what you’re doing. Going to a therapist is a wonderful idea, as long as they specialize in anxiety. From personal experience, it’s all about learning to let go. Control less. I tried diet, teas, candles, essential oils etc. But I found the more I reached externally, the worse it got. I’d blame it on the food, stress, etc. But actually learned in can pop up anytime. Being overly controlling about everything I did was making it worse. I stopped trying to be perfect. Stopped trying to eat perfect, stopped reading/worrying about all the “new” things we’re supposed to be “doing” as moms and women! Again, it’s letting go. And don’t discount medicine that’s offered. It can save you just by “having it” around to stop the attacks. BUT, one of the best things I ever read/did was listen to the audio version of a very old book by Claire Weekes. She has since passed on, but her theories are what every single program for anxiety and panic are based on. She’s like listening to an English grandmother lol. But, most importantly she’s right! Just look up her name on Amazon and get the version that suits you. She’s from a different generation like I said, but all her studies are used today because she really has the answers! She calls it “nervous illness” like they did in the 50’s lol, but I promise it will help! Good luck to you! You’re not alone for sure! And remember that “anxiety and panic are feelings, not facts. “ So glad you’re seeking help, if you have any questions how I overcame it or anything else , feel free to email me! Xo Cynthia
I actually can’t believe how timely this post was for me. I struggle with chronic anxiety as well and fell into a bad anxiety episode this week and am trying to stay strong through it — comes in such waves. To see this on your Instagram story and then read it was really helpful, as were your past posts on life with anxiety. The suffering in silence and trying to power through is something I definitely relate to — trying to get through a high stress office job as well when I am just trying to get through the day without breaking down adds another layer. I think a therapist is definitely in my future as well, would love to hear more from you on this and any coping strategies you find
Thank you for your honesty! I can completely relate. I struggle with anxiety and panic attacks that start back when I was in a terrible relationship and have stayed with me. Some days are fine and others it just seems too much to handle. I strongly believe in therapists and having neutral 3rd party to express thoughts and feelings. It helps me to just be able to unload to someone but not feel the guilt of dumping on a family member. Self care is also huge. You need to take care of yourself and have down time. It’s okay to say no to things. Do little things like sitting down and having a cup of tea or even just reading inspirational quotes when you start to feel anxiety rise. Good luck and remember you aren’t in this alone!
Thank you for sharing! I have been on medicine since 2011 for anxiety/depression and it is something that is not discussed openly enough. I am currently weaning myself off the medicine (under the guidance of my MD) and have been working on alternative ways to manage it.
I cannot thank you enough for sharing this, especially today. I just started my third trimester and I too deal with anxiety as does my husband (we are both in therapy) and his has been particularly bad lately. Due to our family histories with mental health issues, sometimes I feel irresponsible that we even decided to have kids because what if our kids suffer from all of these things too! Sometimes I worry that we will be able to be good parents since we deal with anxiety and hope that we are able to create a calm home environment for our kids. My husband’s anxiety has been particularly bad lately and it can be hard being married to someone who suffers so severely. Maybe by the time our children are our age there will not be such a stigma, but like if g-d forbid my husband had cancer or some other physical health issue, we would tell all of our friends/family and be able to rely on them for support, but it is not quite the same with mental health issues, which can be isolating. (I realize it is ultimately our choice whether or not to disclose my husband’s anxiety, but unfortunately given society’s reaction to mental health issues and my husband’s profession it is too risky to disclose). Anyway, thank you again for sharing and I hope that you find a therapist who is a good fit!
Sending you hugs! So many are afraid to ask for help due to the stigma. The more that beautiful and brave people like yourself can share the more likely we will transform the image around mental health. You are not alone. Please continue to share.
Thank you for sharing this. And like so many others here have written, “Yes to all of the above!” Anxiety can be so crippling and yet so easy to hide from those who love you. I’ve found that aside from therapy, making lots of lists — the “notes”app in my iPhone would be crazy to any outsider who saw them — helps relieve some of the overwhelming feelings that I battle. It does make me feel better to know that I’m certainly not alone in these struggles, but it can be so difficult to explain what it feels like to someone who has never dealt with the feelings. You did such a good job with that in your post — thank you.
I hear ya about the anxiety post kiddos. I never really had a name for what I was feeling growing up but as I look back on it I definitely was anxious as a kid too. I did do therapy post high school/pre college and that really helped prepare me for those times when my parents weren’t there to help me. But after my first it was the absolute worse. I have found that exercising and being thoughtful about how much I am on technology helps me.
Thank you for sharing, this is an amazing way to help start conversations with others instead of continuing the long-accepted practice of hiding all pains. Appreciate this blog so much!
Thanks for sharing! I found myself saying “same!” to so many things you described… like looking calm all the time… friends, my coworkers and boss all have commented how laid back and calm I am under stress! I think I use it as a defense mechanism during stressful times. Then after the stress/ anxiety builds up, the most random things will trigger me to break down crying— like someone being rude to me on the phone or an appliance breaking at our home… I feel like being calm is my way of making other people comfortable. Would love to find a way to stay composed at work and at home without letting stress build up. Perhaps a therapy is the answer! Best of luck on your journey!
I’m assuming you’ve already checked but have you had your thyroid antibodies tested? I had been having issues postpartum (baby #5) with anxiety for the first time ever and my thyroid antibodies are all out of normal range.
I can totally relate! I have had anxiety as long as I can remember but was just recently diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder last year after it got so bad that I was having daily panic attacks and literally going to the ER at least once a month because of the full-blown panic. I am now on Lexapro, which isn’t for everyone, but it has seriously helped me. I still have occasional episodes, but generally, I’m doing much better. I no longer struggle to get out of bed and go to work, I don’t get heart-pounding-in-my-ears panic when I have to talk to someone, etc. Anxiety is so tough to treat and live with because it’s so incredibly different for every person that experiences it. I hope that therapy helps with yours and you can live life a little easier!
Also, major props for being able to stay calm during tough times with Amalia. I’m not a mother yet, but I am horribly afraid that I won’t be able to stay calm when things are happening with my children in the future. Any advice on how you can do that?
Thank you for posting. Like you, I have always suffered from anxiety but once I had kids…. it was like a flip switched and the anxiety was much worse. I finally saw a therapist and eventually we agreed to try an SSRI. Here I am months later (with some med tweeks) and feel like I’m living a better life for me, my husband and two kids… you got this!
Julia, I think it really quite wonderful that you are sharing this publicly. Especially, about how it has made being a new mom even more difficult then it already is and that you’re sharing it in a “I still get what I need to do done and manage to get through episodes”. It’s incredibly reassuring to know I am not alone in some of my feelings of anxiety but also in that “yeah, I can get through it all” but more importantly I shouldn’t have to just get through it. I didn’t experience anxiety at all until after my miscarriage. Since then I’ve gone onto to have an amazingly beautiful dream of a baby girl (6 months old) and life is pretty much rosy all things considered but horrible feelings of anxiety still sometimes rear there ugly head and I just deal the best I can.
But really, you are very brave and it’s your honesty (with realness and compassion) that makes me truly love your blog. Wishing you the best of luck as you begin your therapy journey and I’m looking forward to learning a few things along the way.
Sending big, big hugs. It’s a bear to deal with and you deserve lots of down time.
Mine has been a bi-product of my auto-immune thyroid issues and as much as I tried to handle it all with diet and healthy living, I reached a breaking point (literally) and finally went on Lexapro and Valium.
I don’t know why I was so resistant to meds because I fully believed in them for other people (with no judgement attached). But by my breaking point, I was like GIMME DRUGS! I was unable to leave the house. It was the worst time in my life.
Anyway, I was on Valium for several months and then began to cut back. Now I also have it in my bag in case I need it, but don’t take it daily. Just knowing you have it takes down the anxiety (for me anyway). I considered going off the Lexapro (even the doctor said she saw it as a short-term solution), but it’s a slippery slope: You finally feel better so think you don’t need it. But then again, maybe it is a huge reason why you feel better.
Agreed that meditation helps on the daily but once you’re in it, the cycle/chemicals have begun messing things up, you need to break that cycle. That’s when I take a 1/4 Valium so it doesn’t get worse.
Also agree with the person who commented to get your thyroid levels (And VIT D + B) checked. It has a HUGE impact and thyroid issues often arise around pregnancy/weaning. And the winter effects your thyroid and how much Vit D you’re getting too.
BIG HUGS!
What a wonderful vulnerable blog post! One of the many reasons I value and follow you as a blogger! Anxiety disorders are the most prevalent psychological disorders but also can be the most treatable… There are so many useful tools (evidence based!) that your therapist will teach you that can greatly impact the way you cope with your anxiety.I wish you all the best .:)
I love this post (in addition to loving your blog in general)! I have GAD, depression, OCD, and panic disorder, and it took me until my 30s (after a series of near-breakdowns in my late 20s) to figure out what works for me, which is SSRIs and therapy. I am now pregnant with my first baby and I have honestly been very surprised by how chill I’ve been able to be about most things so far – although I am afraid that as she gets bigger and then once she’s born it will all come crashing down around me. My plan is just to stay in close contact with my psychologist and psychiatrist, because they’ve gotten me this far!
Yes! Thank you for this post. I have three children and the anxiety got worse with each one. There is just less time for “self care” and much more triggers (but obviously I don’t regret any of my babies). I have been reading the book “Presence Over Perfect” and it’s so, so great. I feel like the book was written for me (or anyone who suffers anxiety/perfectionism). I highly recommend it.
Please never under estimate how difficult it is to have a “baby” (I know that your blessing is a big one year old now ), how crazy your hormones are still going, how extremely difficult (understatement!!) it is to juggle children and career, and how impossible everything feels when you are not sleeping!! Be good to yourself!! Pat yourself on the back every day just for getting up!! And embrace your sweetest little family!! And know that you are not alone! So many people are sending you loads of well wishes!!
Thank you for sharing this! I also deal daily with anxiety and understand how challenging it can be. Therapy has been transformative for me, along with a fairly new meditation practice (I highly recommend the Calm app!). Good luck!
Thanks for sharing this part of your life. You have a beautiful blog and I’ve enjoyed following you for a few years now. I think counseling will bring a lot of relief as it’s done for me. All the best to you <3
You are not alone. I see a therapist regularly and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I have General Anxiety Disorder and it’s definitely easier for me to cope with everything I’ve learned through therapy.
I wish you the best on this journey!
As a new reader, I see you as someone who has it all together, creates excellent content, and is an expert in her field as a lifestyle blogger. And you do an incredible job! I have not shopped at Talbots in at least five years, if not a decade, and because of one of your posts I walked in today to our Talbots, tried on nearly everything in the store, and am a new fan. I walked out with the blue gingham shoes, teal loafers, and a few cute shirts. What you do translates into sales for the companies that work with you. That is impressive. I don’t have panic attacks, but I do think women are naturally anxious, and the pressures put on moms to be perfect are impossible to achieve. On paper, I am super successful – but internally, I feel like a failure. All of the time. I try to focus on being grateful for all of my blessings to keep me distracted from my own stress. Thank you for being so honest, and sharing.
I also have anxiety that resulted from a traumatic event in my life recently. Drugs help me the most (Ativan specifically), although I rarely take them anymore. I do still carry them around in my purse or car always-sort of like a security blanket. Therapy is helpful for many people.
Thanks for sharing, Julia. I can so relate. Anxiety is something I’m always trying to manage too. I wish it would just disappear so I could be that laid back chill chick that can just handle it all like a boss. But I’ve had to accept I’ll likely always run anxious, and somehow I’ve found a tiny bit of compassion for it. #workinprogress it’s always comforting to know I’m not alone. xx
Running is a great way to get rid of anxiety. I’m also training for a half marathon with SportMe marathon trainerand switching to a healthy diet in also on my list. Your blog posts are a great start.
So appreciate your honesty and transparency. Social media can really make people assume people live one life when it’s only a small part of the person. So sorry you go through this. I think I do to a smaller extent, for sure. I can also be paralyzed by fear.
Thank you for sharing; this is absolutely helping many.
alyson
http://www.themodernsavvy.com
Ugh. Ugly anxiety. I have to make sure I fit in exercise alone (no trainer, no kids, just a walk/run or swim). I also completely eliminate alcohol while I’m going through the waves of anxiety. One cocktail can have me waking up in a panic. The last is sleep. It’s critical, although tough with a little one 🙂
While I don’t want to say I’m glad you suffer from insomnia – it’s so nice to hear when others have it! I’ve been having SO much of it since my son was born 18 months ago and it can be so depressing!
I totally know what you mean. It makes us feel less alone!
Hi Julia! Thank you for talking about it. I’ve had OCD since I was 5. It can be crippling, but if I work on therapy and do the hard things, I can manage it. If you fight anxiety, it gets stronger. So the key is not to be hopeless and have the attitude that “yes I want this anxiety and yes I want to poke it, because the more I encourage it, the weaker it gets.”
God bless, keep going!