Living with anxiety is not easy, but what often gets overlooked is the fact that it can also be a major challenge for your spouse or partner (or really any loved one) too. Trust me, Anel knows all about it. We’ve gone to therapy and talked it to death, so I’m really really excited for him to be sharing his experience with you all today!
I don’t want to sugar coat things and say that our relationship is perfect because it’s not. But the fact that he stuck by me during a really difficult time in my life, and the fact that he spent hours in therapy to help our relationship means more to me than he can ever know. He is an amazing husband and father, and I’m so lucky to have found him.
Hi everyone! Anel here. I want you to know that this is all very new to me too. It’s only been about six months since we actually knew Julia had postpartum anxiety, and I have worked hard to support her as much as possible in that time. It hasn’t always been easy and there have been days where I have been frustrated. But we’re a team and a team is only as strong as its weakest player, so I do what I can to help lift her up and let her know how amazing she is even with anxiety.
My biggest piece of advice is to ask questions and educate yourself on what your spouse is going through. I didn’t know how bad it was for Julia until she explained it to me in a way that I could understand it. That came with a lot of therapy and a lot of conversations.
She showed me all of your questions, and I picked 10 to answer so here they are.
1. What is something helpful to say to show support when she’s feeling anxious? I try to listen to her without trying to “solve” her issues. I’ve learned that sometimes she just needs a sounding board so I ask her what she is feeling and try to make her explain it to me in as much detail as possible so I can understand it and she can get it off of her chest. I also try to bring her back to reality when she starts panicking by explaining things in a literal and positive way. For example, she gets very triggered when the baby is sick so I remind her that Amalia is going to be ok and that all kids get sick.
2. How do you manage Julia’s anxiety when you’re also having a bad day? It’s very hard. Sometimes I’m exhausted after a long day of work and just want to have a nice, happy evening with my family. If she was anxious or panicking, that wasn’t always possible. If I was having a bad day, I’d try to just remove myself from her space and take some time for myself because her anxious energy could be a lot to take on.
3. What is the best way to describe anxiety to someone who hasn’t had anxiety issues? Julia always says anxiety is to stress what depression is to sadness. That makes a lot of sense to me. When explaining it, try to relate it to the person who doesn’t have anxiety. When she described, in detail, the physical manifestation of hers, I started to understand how bad it was for her on a daily basis. She would literally say things like, “Now my heart is beating really fast and I’m sweating and shaking.” or “It feels really hard to breathe because of the pressure on my chest.” I would think to myself holy crap I can’t believe she feels this way every day. The descriptions were eye-opening for me.
4. Is it hard not to get frustrated sometimes? Of course. Sometimes she is triggered by what seems like a really small, trivial thing and while I know there is an easy fix, it can throw her off for hours. That is frustrating because I don’t always understand it.
5. Can you tell when Julia is having a bad anxiety day? One of the hardest parts of her anxiety for me in the past was not knowing when she was anxious. After years of working on it, she’s now able to tell me right away so that I know and I can be more helpful. Before that, though, I could only tell when she would start frantically cleaning or organizing that house. That was a red flag.
Ask your spouse to tell you when they’re anxious and explain to them that you can’t always see it. Julia used to get frustrated because I didn’t know when she was anxious but we’ve both learned that a lot of people with anxiety, including her, know how to hide it so well that even the people closest to them can’t see it sometimes. When I asked her to just tell me, that changed everything.
6. What do you do when she has a panic attack? The first, most important step is to ask her if there is anything I can do. Even if it’s something small like a little chore. The next step is to ask if she wants a hug or if she wants to be left alone. When she gets anxious, sometimes being touched makes it worse but sometimes she needs to be held. I’ve learned to always ask first. If she says there is nothing I can do, I just keep checking in with her and try to make sure she is in a calm surrounding. They always pass eventually. But sometimes she says she needs to be left alone, and I always respect that.
7. What is the biggest mistake you’ve made and what did you learn from it? Never tell someone with anxiety to “calm down,” trust me. First of all, they can’t just calm down because their anxiety isn’t like stress that you or I might be able to shut off if we need to. It is literally unstoppable sometimes so that “calm down” infuriates them. I’ve also learned to not explain to her why something she’s anxious about isn’t a big deal. Even though it’s not a big deal to me, it is to her.
8. How do you take care of yourself too? I run a business, have a toddler, and live with someone who has anxiety so there is a lot going on. My alone time is important so that I can be a rock for everyone when I have to be. I love golf and I try to get out on the course once a week in the warmer months because it is my stress relief. Taking care of myself is a priority. My advice is to find something that you love to do on your own, and schedule it into your week as often as you can.
9. What is the best way to tell your spouse that they might need to see a doctor about their anxiety? They might not be ready to hear it, but I guess I would start by timing the conversation well. Pick a moment when your spouse is calm and not anxious. Create a safe space physically and emotionally and tell them not why it’s hard for you but why you want them to feel better. I can say now that Julia has been to therapy and is on meds that she is a different person. She laughs a lot more and she’s so much happier. Remind them that they don’t have to live with anxiety and life can be so much better.
10. Have you tried therapy or read any books that have helped? I haven’t read any books but I’ve gone to therapy with Julia which has really helped me to understand how anxiety can be such a physical and intense experience for the person who has it. I always thought it was like stress, but Julia and the therapist explained that it has a physical aspect too. That made me understand it and her better. In therapy, I learned that some of the things I was doing would trigger her, so I try to keep that in mind. If your spouse has anxiety, going to therapy with them is something I recommend. It will help you understand them better and help give you tools for how to approach different situations.
It was also helpful because it opened Julia’s eyes to how difficult it was for me to live with her and the anxiety that took over our lives. Therapy was not something I ever wanted to do, but I’m glad I did it.
More questions for Anel? Ask them below!
i couldn’t love this post more. It has definitely been difficult to explain my anxiety to my husband and i all too often get the “calm down”
definitely going to send him this post to read. thank you for sharing.
Oh the “calm down” is a BIG trigger for me too. But now that he knows that he never says it! I hope this helps your husband.
Thank you for sharing this and your journey! My husband has battled with anxiety for a few years. It’s day by day but this post is a great reminder on how I can support him.
I’m so sorry to hear about your husband, but he’s lucky to have a supportive wife like you. Good luck and reach out anytime with questions xx
Thanks, you two! This was very helpful for me to read because I have many many friends and family that suffer from anxiety. In some instances, I know how to handle the feelings, but most of the time I am at a loss, and do not want to say something to make it worse. This is a great post to learn some of those things, and also to spread awareness about how to lessen any stigma associated with anxiety, and how to help support your loved ones 🙂
I’m so happy that it was helpful for you!
I love this post! My sister struggles with anxiety, and sometimes it’s hard to know how to help her. I really enjoyed reading about when to help and be near them and when they want to be alone, which is a hard balance for me to find with my sister sometimes. Thank you both! 🙂
I’m so glad it was helpful. Sending love to you and your sister!
Wow. You guys are amazing and such an inspiration. I so admire your humility, love and commitment to your marriage in good times and bad. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you so much, Kristina. That is so nice of you to say!
This was so well done and is such a valuable resource! Love you guys!
Thank you, Trixie!!!
I appreciate you sharing your journey with understanding and managing your anxiety disorder. I was diagnosed with panic disorder at 18 and now at age 36, I still have my ups and downs. I have four little boys (youngest 8 months) and found my anxiety spiked in the months after each boy’s birth. For me, sleep deprivation and the lack of schedule that come with a newborn is a real trigger. I just want to applaud you for being open to trying mediation and sharing that in the blog. Medication as been a life saver for me and allowed me to be well enough to find other coping strategies (running, baking, going back to work part time). And Anel, you are doing an amazing job being there for Julia and educating yourself about about anxiety and ways you can support Julia. I’ve been with my partner since I was 17, so he has been through the ups and down with me and we have learned together how to manage this beast of an illness. I wish you and your lovely family well. You got this!
Rebecca, I am so sorry to hear about your struggles with panic disorder. It sounds like you really understand your triggers and are doing an incredible job managing it. We’re both so lucky to have such wonderful and supportive partners. Thank you for your kind words and also you are my superhero. Four kids? Incredible!
I’ve suffered from anxiety for the past ten years now, and now that I have two young ones, I get triggered a lot more just by turning on the news or even watching a movie where something bad happens to a young kid.
I also get panic attacks in places that are enclosed, that I can’t leave right away – such as trains, planes, elevators. My husband is always my biggest supporter in these moments. I’ll tell him that a panic attack is starting and he will look me dead in the eye and tell me something outrageous to make me laugh and take my mind off of it. Something such as “Did you know that a centipede has 16 eyes and 3 tongues?” I’ll laugh but he will be all serious and keep discussing it until I’ve come down from the attack. It doesn’t work ALL the time but the majority of the time, it’s just enough.
I know what you mean about hearing terrible things about other kids. I can’t watch certain movies/TV shows because of that too.
Your husband sounds like an amazing man with a great sense of humor!
Sometimes what you need is someone who can take you out of yourself with a crazy comment! I remember a previous partner, when I’m sobbing, seriously depressed, who said “do you know how long those tissues take to biodegrade?” It wasn’t dismissive, but out there enough to derail the depressive path that night.
I love this! Thank you so much for sharing!
Anel, you rock!
I suffer from anxiety and my husband is learning how to help me deal.
I can’t tell you how much it means to us women when our husbands support us when we’re anxious.
Julia and Anel, you are such an inspiration!
That is so sweet, thank you for saying that about Anel. I’m so happy to hear that you have a supportive husband too. Good luck and reach out with any questions!
I am so glad that you write about your anxiety and how it affects all parts of your life. I’m so happy for you both that you have worked together and things are so much better! Thanks again.
Thank you so much for saying that, Danielle! It has definitely been a journey but I’m glad I can share what we’ve learned along the way…
Thank you SO much for this post. My fiancé struggles with anxiety, which has appeared more recently. It’s such a new piece of his life that I am seeing/experiencing and had no idea on how to handle it or help! There has been many times that I start a DM to you, Julia, to ask how I can help, but chicken out each time. I am beyond grateful to know how I can help and how I can not make it worse.
This is incredible and I applaud your phenomenal, supportive, and honest husband! So glad you’re in a better place. Thank you for sharing and for further working to remove the stigmas so often associated with postpartum anxiety and/or depression!
Thank you for this post! Another topic I would love your input on (from both Anel and Julia) is how best to help your anxious partner stay present and how to guard your own ability to stay present when you know your partner is particularly anxious. For example, there are times I play with my son and am having the best time, but I look over at my husband and know he is in his own world of panic. I check in and try to bring him back, but it can kill my moment of joy with my son and suddenly I’m worried about my husband instead of focusing on the happy moment with my son. Thanks so much!